perspective.

hey
it's the holiday.
met some old friends.
and we talked a lot.

and one of them said that they thought my previous relationship wasnt serious
wtf almost 3 years takkan tak serius.
dia ckp coz dia nampak he didnt make me as his priority.
and dia kata aku yg put effort lebih2. wtf

really when started degree kau tak nampak pun plus aku bukan manusia yg nak tunjuk semua relationship aku kat social media. plus we were long distance.
ah bullshit.
but really to hear another opinion from a guy friend is kinda nice.
guys' mind work differently somehow.
us ladies think a lot & really we just overthink.

ready to let go completely.
im done hoping banyak2 or be optimistic but really please my life get better.
tak mintak banyak pun.

cukuplah kot all these messed up thoughts.

i just fucking hate it when people expect me to do things for them & then they treat me like their fucking last option.
i am never their priorities.

these kind of people should burn in hell. BURN

kenapa.

hey
has been a long time since i last updated here
a lot has happened.
today is 28 july soo yeah almost 2 months.

just found out that le crush has someone already & it kinda hurts
i didnt know it would hurt this bad
im done being disappointed

just got back from malaysia. setiap kali balik, it seems like God sent me people that would somehow corrects my goals & focus in life.
cuti ni penat. cuti raya tapi penat sangat. almost a week spent in Singapore masak lauk raya ziarah apa semua, balik malaysia balik busy dengan wedding cousin.

the attention is always on someone else. aku tanak jadi attention all the time pun but i feel like i'm always masked or overshadowed by someone else.

now i'm officially sick of hearing people talk about relationship or marriage or love.
i wasnt born for a relationship, nor a happy ending
i dont want to get hurt again. it's never worth it.

just another month here. one last exam. then a long holiday.
a long holiday to heal my heart. to find myself again. too much in a year
you know what they say "you see, all of us are broken, but it seems that some of us, are shattered".
so done with this world acting like i dont deserve a good ending.
well as a human being, i'm not a bad person pun. so why cant i deserve to be happy like other people

Tuhan bagi ada perasaan kat crush sebab Dia nak test balik betul ke aku da move on & kuat.
the answer is, Tuhan nak aku matikan rasa suka ni, Dia tak kasi aku suka orang dah.
sebab tak worth it kot. so He keeps giving me pain so i will know when to quit.

i decided that i should kill all feelings & be empty. Tuhan tahu aku tak deserve nak be happy. yep
Tuhan nak aku study jadi doktor sacrifice semua benda utk orang lain & takyah ada apa2 utk diri sendiri.

oh Tuhan. jadikan je aku empty & emotionless kalau itu yang Kau mahu.
aku takboleh percaya orang lagi dah. i am never gonna heal. or trust again. You know that.
you know how it feels when emotions are rushing in & memories come flooding back & you're writing as you're crying. well that doesnt feel good, it feels shitty.

things are not going my way at all. it just keeps hurting & disappointing me.
thus, i shall never hope or feel anything ever again.
this is why i dont look at people's eyes anymore
this is why i am not able to smile as sincere as last time
this is why i choose to avoid everyone

and they ask me why am i so distant. my fucking goodness.
it's so obvious.
He showed me that everyone else deserves to be happy, except me.
i dont feel like doing anything for anyone ever again.
i feel like things are going to change a lot after this.
fourth year is going to be different.
i cant take it if next year is going to feel like this again.

i deserve better. i deserve to be happy again. why cant He give me that
it's almost a year. cukuplah kot masa utk torture hati ni kan.
kenapa semua orang rasa win when they get to hurt me like this.

sebulan je lagi. exam then cuti. and i can run away to escape.
and maybe i dont need to come back.

which one.

IF I AM MEAN TO YOU, IT'S EITHER I REALLY HATE YOU OR I ACTUALLY HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU.

GOOD LUCK FIGURING THAT SHIT OUT. *flying kiss*

doubts.

i have this doubt for this asshole.
he left me after 3 years because he just lost his feelings towards me or he was really confident we couldnt end up together in the end because of his family?

long distance sucks. especially kena tinggal over the phone je. damn it
nak marah straight face to face orang tu jauh beribu batu.
my anger never fades away. this geram is always inside of me.

fuck all relationshps.
nothing lasts. semua bullshit.
i sacrificed so much tears, energy, money, time, effort, feelings.
it drains me. it fucking drains me because in the end it destroyed me.
i dont like having feelings anymore.

self abandonment is the after effect of a failed relationship
this isnt about getting back together with your ex.
this is about how i'm going to build up myself again

i try to like someone else. i try to build that whole feeling again but it never works.
THIS IS SO FUCKING UNFAIR.
kau tengok lah nanti Tuhan balas kau mainkan perasaan orang camni
your family sucks too. you're the main jerk anyway.

ye aku tau tak elok pun ada relatioship ni, tapi kalau nak kawen sekali pun pe jadah calon pun takde

3 days weekend.

and i didn't study at all *clap clap*
entah apa aku buat.
eop is a month away.
i am prepared to devote myself being a zombie from now on.

this week is kinda full with heart to heart talk with different people.
different people handle their conflicts differently
i just dont like it talking about my messed up feelings with people
i feel uncomfortable
i prefer scribbling le thoughts over here somehow

i officially give up with people.

i didnt have any doubt i was going to end up with him
but he left. without a second thought.
and never came back.

the post trauma. the pain.
the emptiness. the struggle.
the fucking fear to ever trust another human again.

the scar will always be there.
we always tell how certain people should never be hurt again but we ended up hurting them anyway.
what's the point really?

the everyday struggle never ends. i dont deserve all this shit.

happy little pill on repeat

In the crowd alone
And every second passing reminds me I'm not home
Bright lights and city sounds are ringing like a drone
Unknown, unknown

Oh, glazed eyes, empty hearts
Buying happy from shopping carts
Nothing but time to kill
Sipping life from bottles
Tight skin, bodyguards
Gucci down the boulevard
Cocaine, dollar bills
And...

My happy little pill
Take me away
Dry my eyes
Bring colour to my skies
My sweet little pill
Tame my hunger
Light within
Numb my skin

Like a rock I float
Sweat and conversations seep into my bones
Four walls are not enough
I'll take a dip into the unknown, unknown

Oh, glazed eyes, empty hearts
Buying happy from shopping carts
Nothing but time to kill
Sipping life from bottles
Tight skin, bodyguards
Gucci down the boulevard
Cocaine, dollar bills
And...

My happy little pill
Take me away
Dry my eyes
Bring colour to my skies
My sweet little pill
Tame my hunger
Light within
Numb my skin

worse

OH COME ON.
OBG I WAS FINE.
MEDICINE I WAS FINE EVENTHO TOWARDS THE END OF MEDICINE dah mula goyah.

COME ON. aku paling teruk posting Surgery ni.
attendance ke laut. hari2 lambat.
if only people understand the shit i go through during surgery.
erghhhhh kena jadi cam robot!

i fucking wake up almost every morning in tears.
that's bad, isn't it?
the pain, the fucking struggle.
i lost my focus. i lost my attention. i lost interest.

damn it i cant do this anymore.
i dont even know how to get back up on my feet anymore.

i used to escape my pain with sleep (still do)
used to escape it with caffeine
used to escape it with novels
used to escape it with insomnia
used to escape it with my study

but now none of those works on me anymore.

tunggang terbalik

another week passed by.
it's fridayyyyyy takyah excited sangat esok sabtu got class meh.
lecture & tuto. dr. poonam pulak tu. lawa tapi garang.
roller coaster weeek. farah & syed got a BABY. comel gilaaa rasa nak picit2. hahah
banyak gila class postpone memang mampus lah nak menghabiskan surgery ni citer nye.

5th year exam surgery next week. sobs aku suka batch senior yang ni sebab dorang pandai, friendly & selalu jawabkan soalan doctors. lol
the truth is, doctors surgery tak kesah pun pasal kitorang. yang kesah dr. rashmi sorang je T.T

aku masih tunggang terbalik of coz.
serius ah kena sepak diri sendiri doh nak start study Surgery ni betul2.
tulis tulis sampai rasa okay. okay siang tadi ada 2 discussions macam biasa aku rasa inferior lah
semua benda rasa tatau. cannot read xrays. shit. aku doomed ah cenggini.

mula laaaahhhhhh tu nak rasa pessimistic. ergh
hey you know what i feel as kawan bila kejap orang baik with us, kejap orang ignore us like shit.
okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. good

trust me aku bukan option so stop making me feel like one.
mari bercinta dengan bailey & manipal.
see something happened and i'm done trying to explain. you dont want to forgive me okay if that's how you wanna deal with it.
i'm done hurtingggggg. no one would even try to understand my side that's it


postingmate kau dah anak sorang dah & they are a year younger than you, mereputlah aku sesorang camni woiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii okay.

sentak.

hey.
tersentak bangun dari tido awal pagi ahad (5 pagi) is not fun.
especially time takboleh solat. bad dreams. pastu entah apa aku tercari cari.
what is wrong with me man?

tersentak and tak boleh tido balik. erghhhh
pissed off betul. lemme get this straight. this is like the 3rd week of Surgery & my next EOP is on 1st of june? wth.
aku kalau lps EOP, cuti balik malaysia ni for sure akan amek masa utk okay.
lps balik cuti mesti fucked up sikit amek masa nak adapt. i'm complex like that no joke.

ed sheeran on repeat. he's my best lullaby. haha pathetic kejap
i like how in india aku ada satu garisan masa yg aku buat utk make sure masa kat india ni tak rasa lambat nak mampus bergerak.

faham tak like any plan penting i'll be so looking forward to it until that day arrives sebab kalau tak rasa macam lifeless kat sini. i dont even know what can make me feel excited over here anymore.

after 5 years.

hey.
back after 5 years.
it's 2015 now.

deleted all previous posts. i'm going anonymous now

halfway through my third year of medical school.
and i'm going crazy. hah

it's been tough. for me.

depression is not a joke. i love how people think it's funny to have depression.
kau tahu tak apa rasa every morning bangun & rasa tak okay. rasa terpaksa hari hari.
when you look in the mirror & you hate what you see because you are different now

eh macam there's a part of you missing. and i don't know what's missing from me exactly.
i am fucking tired of feeling like this
i swear to god i did try my hardest to be okay EVERYDAY.
i am trying to be happy.

it's been 6 months after the breakup.
and surprise surprise, before nak judge or anything. i am depressed because of the post trauma.
not only because of love. ew

i fucking lost trust in everyone. seriously. except my parents duh
i just cant trust anymore.
aku ada like this short trigger yang kalau kau orang yg trigger especially kalau aku dah lama tahan sabar then BOOM you will be my victim of short temper

coz i just did this week to my postingmate. and dia merajuk.
honestly i felt REALLY BAD & aku dah mintak maaf macam apa dah.
but really somehow aku berharap orang faham yang i'm going through my emotional battle.
so i'm sorry i can't be nice all the time.

sorry aku selfish asyik harap orang nak faham aku sebab apa, sebab selama ni aku lah manusia yang banyak mengalah & tolerate semua orang. aku dah taknak orang pijak aku dah macam dulu.
i'm so fucking done being nice.

didn't know post trauma of a breakup could be this long & hurt this bad.
jujur aku menyesal put so much effort, time & money & feelings to orang yg mungkir janji & leave.
bullshit lah sial. kalau kau tau apa aku rasa sekarang ni.

i'm not gonna forgive let alone forget.
kau akan rasa balik apa kau buat. i'll just sit back & watch your turn to suffer.
ingat. Tuhan akan balas balik either to kau or family kau.

jujur ah sekarang ni aku rasa macam there's no way in hell aku akan ada another relationship after this.
serius effort aku akan terbazir macam tu je. bangang lah orang yg suka take for granted.

long distance relationship paling bullshit sekali. both previous LDR failed.
post trauma plus study thousand miles away from home is double the pain.
i am not looking for another relationship. betullah cakap Tuhan, tak elok bercinta sebelum kahwin ni.
kalau ada orang masuk meminang kat parents, kahwin terus lah senang.

masalahnya takde orang masuk meminang pun hahaha.

my emotion is like a roller coaster
kadang2 aku sendiri takut. orang lain pun mesti rasa aku ni pelik or moody.
mampuslah. they dont know the battle i go through.
ada je rasa nak jumpa doctor tapi entahlah.
i have depression but i am not suicidal. iman tu masih ada.

aku rasa cakap dengan orang pun tak guna orang tak faham, nak cakap dengan parents pun payah taknak dorang susah hati.
i decided to write whatever the hell i want here & join kickboxing after this.
ada lah kot kickboxing dekat2 area sini pandai2 ah aku cari,

rasa marah. sedih. hurt. betrayed. fatigue. unhappy.
gonna write until one day i'm gonna be okay again.
semua rasa marah sedih tak puas hati dendam aku akan curah kat sini.
sampai one day aku dah tak rasa dah tu semua which aku sendiri taktahu bila.

acah2 macam filter depression ah blog ni. macam pengukur masa. aku taknak ayat bunga2.
cakap apa rasa sudah.
macam boleh rasa je yang aku takkan okay sampai bila2 pun.

tahu tak asal aku pessimist sikit? sebab aku realistik.
aku tak expect apa2 then bila benda baik jadi aku jadi hamba bersyukur sikit ah.
manusia ni kerja dia disappoint orang lain je, keje buat taik kat orang je.
kalau yang buat baik tu alhamdulillah.

plus twitter pun tak best. sebab orang follow. bendalah blog ni aku rasa takde orang nak baca or kesah. easier that way.

aku takleh fokus posting ni. dah lah tak best. dengan aku tak okay, dengan kelas tak tentu arah, dengan postingmate merajuk lagi. aish.

masalah aku ni aku asyik teringat ingat. bila aku teringat, all the memories came flooding in maka terhasillah airmata bodoh yang tak reti stop. aku tatau asal. sebab aku rasa macam my effort is wasted.
bodoh bagi aku 3 tahun tu lama. kau boleh buang aku macam tu je kan.
dah jumpa parents bagai semua bagitau plan tiba tiba blah camtu je.
bodoh kau ingat aku apa. jangan rasa kau kaya pandai ada rupa kau boleh buat orang ikut suka je.

kau buat aku rasa aku tak cukup bagus tak cukup pandai tak cukup segalanya.
sampai tahap aku tak yakin dengan diri sendiri.
kalau orang lain relationship boleh sustain sampai marriage bagai.

ah mampuslah.
my ability to trust a human being is gone.