hey.
back after 5 years.
it's 2015 now.
deleted all previous posts. i'm going anonymous now
halfway through my third year of medical school.
and i'm going crazy. hah
it's been tough. for me.
depression is not a joke. i love how people think it's funny to have depression.
kau tahu tak apa rasa every morning bangun & rasa tak okay. rasa terpaksa hari hari.
when you look in the mirror & you hate what you see because you are different now
eh macam there's a part of you missing. and i don't know what's missing from me exactly.
i am fucking tired of feeling like this
i swear to god i did try my hardest to be okay EVERYDAY.
i am trying to be happy.
it's been 6 months after the breakup.
and surprise surprise, before nak judge or anything. i am depressed because of the post trauma.
not only because of love. ew
i fucking lost trust in everyone. seriously. except my parents duh
i just cant trust anymore.
aku ada like this short trigger yang kalau kau orang yg trigger especially kalau aku dah lama tahan sabar then BOOM you will be my victim of short temper
coz i just did this week to my postingmate. and dia merajuk.
honestly i felt REALLY BAD & aku dah mintak maaf macam apa dah.
but really somehow aku berharap orang faham yang i'm going through my emotional battle.
so i'm sorry i can't be nice all the time.
sorry aku selfish asyik harap orang nak faham aku sebab apa, sebab selama ni aku lah manusia yang banyak mengalah & tolerate semua orang. aku dah taknak orang pijak aku dah macam dulu.
i'm so fucking done being nice.
didn't know post trauma of a breakup could be this long & hurt this bad.
jujur aku menyesal put so much effort, time & money & feelings to orang yg mungkir janji & leave.
bullshit lah sial. kalau kau tau apa aku rasa sekarang ni.
i'm not gonna forgive let alone forget.
kau akan rasa balik apa kau buat. i'll just sit back & watch your turn to suffer.
ingat. Tuhan akan balas balik either to kau or family kau.
jujur ah sekarang ni aku rasa macam there's no way in hell aku akan ada another relationship after this.
serius effort aku akan terbazir macam tu je. bangang lah orang yg suka take for granted.
long distance relationship paling bullshit sekali. both previous LDR failed.
post trauma plus study thousand miles away from home is double the pain.
i am not looking for another relationship. betullah cakap Tuhan, tak elok bercinta sebelum kahwin ni.
kalau ada orang masuk meminang kat parents, kahwin terus lah senang.
masalahnya takde orang masuk meminang pun hahaha.
my emotion is like a roller coaster
kadang2 aku sendiri takut. orang lain pun mesti rasa aku ni pelik or moody.
mampuslah. they dont know the battle i go through.
ada je rasa nak jumpa doctor tapi entahlah.
i have depression but i am not suicidal. iman tu masih ada.
aku rasa cakap dengan orang pun tak guna orang tak faham, nak cakap dengan parents pun payah taknak dorang susah hati.
i decided to write whatever the hell i want here & join kickboxing after this.
ada lah kot kickboxing dekat2 area sini pandai2 ah aku cari,
rasa marah. sedih. hurt. betrayed. fatigue. unhappy.
gonna write until one day i'm gonna be okay again.
semua rasa marah sedih tak puas hati dendam aku akan curah kat sini.
sampai one day aku dah tak rasa dah tu semua which aku sendiri taktahu bila.
acah2 macam filter depression ah blog ni. macam pengukur masa. aku taknak ayat bunga2.
cakap apa rasa sudah.
macam boleh rasa je yang aku takkan okay sampai bila2 pun.
tahu tak asal aku pessimist sikit? sebab aku realistik.
aku tak expect apa2 then bila benda baik jadi aku jadi hamba bersyukur sikit ah.
manusia ni kerja dia disappoint orang lain je, keje buat taik kat orang je.
kalau yang buat baik tu alhamdulillah.
plus twitter pun tak best. sebab orang follow. bendalah blog ni aku rasa takde orang nak baca or kesah. easier that way.
aku takleh fokus posting ni. dah lah tak best. dengan aku tak okay, dengan kelas tak tentu arah, dengan postingmate merajuk lagi. aish.
masalah aku ni aku asyik teringat ingat. bila aku teringat, all the memories came flooding in maka terhasillah airmata bodoh yang tak reti stop. aku tatau asal. sebab aku rasa macam my effort is wasted.
bodoh bagi aku 3 tahun tu lama. kau boleh buang aku macam tu je kan.
dah jumpa parents bagai semua bagitau plan tiba tiba blah camtu je.
bodoh kau ingat aku apa. jangan rasa kau kaya pandai ada rupa kau boleh buat orang ikut suka je.
kau buat aku rasa aku tak cukup bagus tak cukup pandai tak cukup segalanya.
sampai tahap aku tak yakin dengan diri sendiri.
kalau orang lain relationship boleh sustain sampai marriage bagai.
ah mampuslah.
my ability to trust a human being is gone.
back after 5 years.
it's 2015 now.
deleted all previous posts. i'm going anonymous now
halfway through my third year of medical school.
and i'm going crazy. hah
it's been tough. for me.
depression is not a joke. i love how people think it's funny to have depression.
kau tahu tak apa rasa every morning bangun & rasa tak okay. rasa terpaksa hari hari.
when you look in the mirror & you hate what you see because you are different now
eh macam there's a part of you missing. and i don't know what's missing from me exactly.
i am fucking tired of feeling like this
i swear to god i did try my hardest to be okay EVERYDAY.
i am trying to be happy.
it's been 6 months after the breakup.
and surprise surprise, before nak judge or anything. i am depressed because of the post trauma.
not only because of love. ew
i fucking lost trust in everyone. seriously. except my parents duh
i just cant trust anymore.
aku ada like this short trigger yang kalau kau orang yg trigger especially kalau aku dah lama tahan sabar then BOOM you will be my victim of short temper
coz i just did this week to my postingmate. and dia merajuk.
honestly i felt REALLY BAD & aku dah mintak maaf macam apa dah.
but really somehow aku berharap orang faham yang i'm going through my emotional battle.
so i'm sorry i can't be nice all the time.
sorry aku selfish asyik harap orang nak faham aku sebab apa, sebab selama ni aku lah manusia yang banyak mengalah & tolerate semua orang. aku dah taknak orang pijak aku dah macam dulu.
i'm so fucking done being nice.
didn't know post trauma of a breakup could be this long & hurt this bad.
jujur aku menyesal put so much effort, time & money & feelings to orang yg mungkir janji & leave.
bullshit lah sial. kalau kau tau apa aku rasa sekarang ni.
i'm not gonna forgive let alone forget.
kau akan rasa balik apa kau buat. i'll just sit back & watch your turn to suffer.
ingat. Tuhan akan balas balik either to kau or family kau.
jujur ah sekarang ni aku rasa macam there's no way in hell aku akan ada another relationship after this.
serius effort aku akan terbazir macam tu je. bangang lah orang yg suka take for granted.
long distance relationship paling bullshit sekali. both previous LDR failed.
post trauma plus study thousand miles away from home is double the pain.
i am not looking for another relationship. betullah cakap Tuhan, tak elok bercinta sebelum kahwin ni.
kalau ada orang masuk meminang kat parents, kahwin terus lah senang.
masalahnya takde orang masuk meminang pun hahaha.
my emotion is like a roller coaster
kadang2 aku sendiri takut. orang lain pun mesti rasa aku ni pelik or moody.
mampuslah. they dont know the battle i go through.
ada je rasa nak jumpa doctor tapi entahlah.
i have depression but i am not suicidal. iman tu masih ada.
aku rasa cakap dengan orang pun tak guna orang tak faham, nak cakap dengan parents pun payah taknak dorang susah hati.
i decided to write whatever the hell i want here & join kickboxing after this.
ada lah kot kickboxing dekat2 area sini pandai2 ah aku cari,
rasa marah. sedih. hurt. betrayed. fatigue. unhappy.
gonna write until one day i'm gonna be okay again.
semua rasa marah sedih tak puas hati dendam aku akan curah kat sini.
sampai one day aku dah tak rasa dah tu semua which aku sendiri taktahu bila.
acah2 macam filter depression ah blog ni. macam pengukur masa. aku taknak ayat bunga2.
cakap apa rasa sudah.
macam boleh rasa je yang aku takkan okay sampai bila2 pun.
tahu tak asal aku pessimist sikit? sebab aku realistik.
aku tak expect apa2 then bila benda baik jadi aku jadi hamba bersyukur sikit ah.
manusia ni kerja dia disappoint orang lain je, keje buat taik kat orang je.
kalau yang buat baik tu alhamdulillah.
plus twitter pun tak best. sebab orang follow. bendalah blog ni aku rasa takde orang nak baca or kesah. easier that way.
aku takleh fokus posting ni. dah lah tak best. dengan aku tak okay, dengan kelas tak tentu arah, dengan postingmate merajuk lagi. aish.
masalah aku ni aku asyik teringat ingat. bila aku teringat, all the memories came flooding in maka terhasillah airmata bodoh yang tak reti stop. aku tatau asal. sebab aku rasa macam my effort is wasted.
bodoh bagi aku 3 tahun tu lama. kau boleh buang aku macam tu je kan.
dah jumpa parents bagai semua bagitau plan tiba tiba blah camtu je.
bodoh kau ingat aku apa. jangan rasa kau kaya pandai ada rupa kau boleh buat orang ikut suka je.
kau buat aku rasa aku tak cukup bagus tak cukup pandai tak cukup segalanya.
sampai tahap aku tak yakin dengan diri sendiri.
kalau orang lain relationship boleh sustain sampai marriage bagai.
ah mampuslah.
my ability to trust a human being is gone.
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